


Oh God!

by wyvern



Series: Pornalot 2018 [3]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Accidental Death, Comedy, Crack, M/M, Masturbation, Swearing, Temporary Character Death, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-21
Updated: 2018-10-21
Packaged: 2019-08-05 12:10:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16367540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wyvern/pseuds/wyvern
Summary: Arthur is a god, bored as heck, and Uther's pet chickens are frankly starting to get on his last nerve.Luckily, he's got something nice to look at.





	Oh God!

**Author's Note:**

> This was my entry for [Pornalot Challenge 1: Sin"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16298306/chapters/38119283), which I accidentally won with my crackiest entry yet. :D (Thank you, everyone who voted for it. <3)
> 
> "Merlin" and its characters belongs to BBC, Shine, history and whatever else. It's not me, I'm just playing with them.

***

Being a god is boring.

It might be more fun if people believed in you, but Arthur notices that most people believe in other things these days. Some people believe in other gods, some believe in technology, some in science, some in eating less carbs, some in veganism, and some in nothing at all. Quite a lot of people believe in love, while some fuckers believe in nothing but money. Arthur usually trips those people up whenever he's feeling a bit peeved. His twin sister Morgana claims she’s responsible for the surprisingly large proportion of men with erectile dysfunction within that particular group, but Arthur’s never felt the inclination to ask her about it in any more detail so who the fuck knows?

Anyway, Arthur is in charge of the gods. Head God. Surpreme Being. The One to Ask.

Except he’s not really, that’s Uther, his dad. Unfortunately though, Uther has given up on humanity and just gave Earth to Arthur before deciding that board games, mead, and taking care of his pet chickens were a better use of his time. And to be fair, it kinda is.

(Yes, pet chickens. Everyone’s allowed a hobby, even the All-Mighty Uther, okay?)

Anyway.

Arthur was also thinking about giving up on humanity for quite a long time, but lately he’s been a bit… obsessed with a guy Down There. More specifically a guy in Wales. More specifically a guy in Cardiff. Even more specifically a guy in a manky one-bed flat not far from Cardiff Bay, and very specifically that specific guy currently standing naked in the shower in the bathroom of that particular one-bed flat. In case you’re wondering.

That specific guy is tall, lanky, black-haired, blue-eyed and a bit of a twat to his best mate Will. He also really can’t cook, but that’s okay because Arthur keeps him healthy so he can enjoy his favourite pastime: wanking.

Arthur’s not wanking, obviously, he doesn’t have a dick in the same sense as humans do. Instead he has this all-encompassing… Well, that’s a story for another time. I’m sure you’re not interested anyway.

Merlin is the one who loves wanking, but Arthur kinda loves to watch Merlin wank.

And Merlin shouts Arthur’s name when he comes.

Well. Technically, he screams “God!”, but since he was raised to believe in Arthur and Uther and Morgana and all the others, it still counts. 120% definitely counts. At least Arthur’s pretty sure.

The main thing is that Arthur loves Merlin’s face, and movements, and even his cock though it does seem like a weird way to give yourself pleasure when it’s so much easier for humans to just… Oh, right, sorry. That’s not what we’re here to talk about. 

Shh, don’t bother me. Let’s get on with the story.

At the moment, Merlin’s face is beautiful. His eyes are closed and his mouth is half open, letting out small puffs of air at the same rhythm he’s working his hand up and down his wet, slippery cock. To a god, it’s fascinating how Merlin’s cheeks blush and how his eyelashes flutter as he's getting nearer his climax, and the way he works his fingers as he chases it.

“God…”

It’s only a whisper, maybe even a moan more than an actual word, but Arthur hears it and revels in the solemnity of it. Merlin’s hand speeds up and Arthur knows it won’t be long, and all at once does and does not want it to end.

Arthur can’t interfere, isn’t allowed to, but… It’s just a touch, something small and light and gentle. Surely, that’s harmless?

Merlin’s blue eyes go wide as Arthur reaches out and invisibly caresses his soft skin. 

“G-g-god!” he grinds out, comes hard, and promptly drops to the floor.

***

“W-- where am I?”

Merlin looks confused but oddly radiant as he stands before Arthur. He’s more beautiful than ever, Arthur thinks, but he can’t properly enjoy it because Morgana keeps poking him in the side. (Like sisters always should when stuck in an awkward situation with a brother’s love interest.)

“Is that the guy you killed, Arthur?” Her dramatic stage whisper carries and Merlin’s eyes go wide again, but not in the good way Arthur likes. He makes a frustrated noise never before (nor after) heard by a human and facepalms. Uther yawns disinterestedly behind him and scratches his favourite chicken on the top of its head.

“Hey, Arthur, if you don’t plan to make that hottie a god, then I -- hic -- will!”

Gwaine, god of moderately nice wines and really poor beer, and always absolutely pissed, falls out from behind a heavenly door and faceplants prettily on the floor. It doesn’t take long for him to get back up and make his way over to Merlin.

“Hello, gorgeous,” he says and kisses Merlin’s hand.

“Gwaine!”

“Arthur!” Gwaine responds, mimicking Arthur's outrage.

“He’s…” Arthur glances at Merlin. “He’s… eh…”

“Hic! Available?” Gwaine wiggles his eyesbrows suggestively.

Gwaine’s a bit of a dick, even for a god.

“I swear, I’ll smite you unless you stop being creepy, you fucker.”

Smiling broadly and shrugging, Gwaine winks at Merlin and disappears in a rainbow-coloured cloud of smoke.

Arthur groans. Okay, time to take care of business.

“Merlin, you…”

“Hey, I forgot!” Gwaine reappears in a similar rainbow-coloured cloud of smoke. “Up -- hic -- for dinner later, babes?”

Morgana only rolls her eyes, but takes the written invitation Gwaine gives her.

“Piss off, Gwaine.”

“All right. Kisses and squeezes, everyone.”

And then he’s gone again. All the while, Merlin has watched all this with surprising calmness. 

“Eh…” he says. “So what am I doing here?”

Arthur doesn’t really feel like admitting his blatant voyeurism and accidental murder, so he just reaches out to take Merlin’s hand and pulls him towards the heavenly gates. He looks at Merlin and shoots him a small smile.

“You’ll see.”

(And that’s how Merlin became the god of good wanks, and Arthur decided not to give up on humanity just yet.)

***

THE END

***


End file.
